I can't find a name for this one

You know those secret desires you have in your heart? The kind that you know people would find you strange for, or say, "That'll come soon enough," or "that's silly!" Well, for a while, there's been this little desire gnawing in me. You know, so often i wonder if the situations i find myself in are situations of reality or mindsets. Dad's been preaching on a series of messages "Facing your Fears" and one of his points was to "face your thoughts." That's one that's just stuck with me. Now, most people think i'm a very optimistic person, but they usually see me when i'm where i want to be, and when everything is going right, of course i'm going to be happy! But in all honesty, i've been finding myself changing. I've been finding myself wanting to stay home, only wanting to spend time with small crows, and in those crowds, only certain people. Sometimes i'll have a random "party" attitude, but most of the time, i find myself in quiet, pensive moods, just wanting to think and write. Now, know this, i am not forcing this change, it's coming quite naturally. Don't think i'm all of the sudden this anti-social person. I love spending time with people! Just sometimes i find myself wanting to draw from the big crowds and be with a few people. This is not bad. I've just noticed that as i "draw out" of the crowd, i start to feel quite lonely. I find myself wanting to be a part of everything, but when i'm in the midst of people (and they're usually like, ten or twelve years older than me) i feel very awkward and i feel like i don't belong. It's such an aggravating feeling. And of course, who's going to want to come hang out with the little 15 (hey, one more month and i'll be there!) year old girl who always looks down. So here's my question (it's rhetorical by the way)...is this a mindset? I'm in that funny little stage where i thought i knew who i was, and yet all of the sudden i start to change, but i don't know if this is change, or if it's a reaction to growing up. So back to the point, this little desire in my heart keeps growing, and i know that the more i let it grow, the more "depressed" let's say, i'll get. 'Cause what i want i know i can't have, but my alternative to that want is a very hard thing to come by.. (i know you're probably really confused right now, but this is my blog, and I can write what i want to)..so now I'm left alone..just me....but wait...isn't there this Big Guy, Everlasting Love, Best Friend, Holy Creation....Father? Jesus?...How often we forget that He's there to be everything.
This is what i think...God is my Best Friend, and He knows the desire of my heart, and I'm sure if I pray for it, and He sees it fit, knows it will benefit me in the long run, and bring me closer to Him, then He will grant my request....but if not...I can't be the gloomy girl that looks so comforting to me. I don't know why, but being upset can sometime just seem more appealing to me than being happy. Why not just give in to gloominess and stop trying so hard to look on the bright side of life??....Because God sustains me. Because God will, no matter my doubts, my fears, my discouragements, my disappointments, my failures, my past, my mistakes, my inconsistency in love, in faith, in hope, still love me. He will still be faithful to me. When I didn't love Him, He loved me; when i didn't listen to Him, He still listened to me; when i didn't talk to Him, He still spoke to me; When i ran from Him, He ran after me. That's why I'll smile. :)